Chapter 20 - Softskills¶

"You know, I often feel pretty stressed out and I'm under a lot of pressure. Then one team member will come along demanding a quick decision. Maybe that person has been given a task to perform but hasn't done it as we had discussed or how I had planned it. Or maybe one of the team hasn't been paying attention. So, what do I do…?" He hung his head and continued, "I say something hurtful or I raise my voice and shout. Ultimately, I end up hurting the person I'm talking to. If I'm lucky, he'll tell me how the message came across."

Carl Rogers thought about it. "But that also gives you the unique opportunity to say you're sorry." Rick replied, "Yes, but what if the person doesn't say anything. Then it's difficult. I need a neutral observer who can act as an advisor and tell me how he saw the whole thing." "And what then?" asked Carl Rogers.

"Then I could apologise!" "You have to know that it isn't what you say but how you say it", said Carl. "Is there an alternative to apologising?" asked Rick.

"Of course, there is", said Carl Rogers. "It makes good sense to speak less forcefully in a quiet voice and use softer undertones. Then you can create a climate that encourages communication and where people don't get hurt. Always remember that people's nerves are on edge in times of crises and conflict and that you'll cause more pain with harsh words in this kind of a situation then you would under normal circumstances. The person with the communication problem is usually the one who's talking", explained Carl Rogers, "Not the person who's listening. So, the person talking has a unique opportunity. He has the power to speak with authority, but also with compassion. Take a deep breath, smile, establish eye contact, talk clearly and comprehensibly and keep your voice calm and quiet. After all, we aren't in the army!" Rick was glad that he had talked to his project manager.

Dr. Rogers rolled his eyes "I wouldn't even dream of approaching William Rose." He was speaking quietly, but with determination and absolute clarity. His development manager Mr. Smith was really only trying to build a bridge for the project manager he admired, but the meeting didn't go well at all, partly because of Carl's stance on the whole issue.

"Now all those little things have built up into bigger problems. Listen Carl, I can understand your frustration and injured pride very well. But I think it would show your strength of character if you would talk to William Rose again. I really do believe that a lot of issues can easily be resolved in a face-to-face talk. It's one of the quickest ways to clear up an unpleasant situation." "No", said Rogers, "I've made up my mind and that's final." Gaunt faced, he turned away and walked to the door. Before leaving the room, he wished Mr. Smith a pleasant evening.

"What's the matter? You look like you've had a bad day. What happened?" Sabina was sitting opposite her husband at the dining table, a concerned look on her face. He was chewing his steak unenthusiastically.

"Not now. I'm trying to enjoy my food", he answered. But Sabina refused to be deterred. "Come on, you may as well talk about it. Otherwise I'm not going to enjoy my steak either. Carl told her about the meeting and how he thought that the project team had behaved inexcusably. The worst thing was William Rose's brazenness. "You know, I've given him so many opportunities. He's absolutely useless. He's professionally incompetent and completely uptight. You have to watch every word you say to him because he takes offence so easily. It makes me furious even just to think about him. Then Mr. Smith went and said that I should call him and offer to go through it all again." Sabina listened attentively to her husband. "So there you have it." Carl put a forkful of steak into his mouth. "What do you think? What shall I do?"

Sabina knew her husband well enough to be able to assess the situation correctly. "You're an intelligent and dynamic man. You've also got a pretty wiry build. And that's one of your problems. If you don't eat enough, your sugar level gets too low and you overreact. Sometimes you even explode. That's one part of the problem. The other is your competence. Being intelligent and dynamic has always paid into your reputation and that sometimes makes you a bit conceited and condescending."

Slowly and deliberately, Sabina addressed her husband's main problems. He responded to every one of Sabina's sentences with a nod. Without interrupting, he gave her the opportunity to present things as she saw them. He loved her ability to understand a problem and put the whole thing in a nutshell. He looked at her intently as she talked about his physical build, the effects of his low blood sugar and his main problems. He could follow what she was saying without any problem and he had no doubt whatsoever that her appraisal of the situation was completely accurate.

"So, Carl, you're going to have to eat more during the day so that you can control your blood sugar level. But that's only one aspect of the problem." Carl stopped chewing. "What do you mean, only one aspect of the problem. What's coming now?" "Well", said Sabina, "physical problems often go hand in hand with psychological problems. None of us are perfect. And I think you've definitely got a problem that has a lot to do with how successful you've been. What you've achieved is fantastic. You're an excellent and competent project manager. You convey strength, your instructions are clear and to the point, you're reliable and you've always been results-oriented and optimistic. I enjoy having you as my husband and people like working with you very much. I'm sure your team members will agree with me, generally speaking. And you know that I really love sharing our home with you. That having been said, you have to be careful not to give people the impression that you're being condescending or make your team members think that you're conceited." "Whaaat?" said Carl, grimacing. "Are you saying I'm condescending and conceited? I never wanted to give people that impression. Why do you think that happens?"

"Well", said Sabina, "You did ask me for my opinion. I've thought about what you said and told you how some things seem to me. Obviously, you're absolutely entitled to tell me to shut up. Or we can continue talking it through and see how we can put things right." "I can't talk anymore now. Let's pick it up again tomorrow morning." Carl was even more contemplative than he'd been before.

At breakfast, he was very quiet. Looking tired, with dark shadows under his eyes, he started talking about his restless night. "And I just couldn't stop thinking about all the things you said last night. You're right. Sometimes I really am conceited and vain." "It's OK to be proud of what you've achieved", interjected Sabina, "After all, you've achieved a lot of things to be proud of." "Yes, but I shouldn't keep pushing it down other people's throats", admitted Carl.

Carl's expression lightened up again. "The first thing I'm going to do at work today is sit down and talk to William Rose. He might be having problems in his sub-project that I don't know about. I don't want the project to fail because of my narrow-mindedness." "I think you'll find that the problem isn't as big as it initially seemed", said Sabina, giving her husband an understanding look.